Campaign to combat bad body odor

My friend (whose name I will keep hidden) sent me a letter he is writing to someone (whose name I will also keep hidden) who apparently smells bad. Very bad. Apparently, it’s so bad, he’s been gathering signatures to petition that he bathe and clean himself up. I have no way of knowing if any of this is true (and I honestly doubt it is, but you never know in this crazy world), so I have hid all the names to prevent anyone from being hurt needlessly.

We, the undersigned, were disgusted and flabbergasted when [the person in question] admitted that he did not brush his teeth daily. After he confirmed this travesty, “Deep Throat” informed us that he has failed to shower or properly bathe for more than 16,071 days (or about 44 years).

[Person], we hereby formally and sincerely ask that you change your uncleanly ways. We are asking that you brush your teeth for a minimum of 30 seconds daily (two to three minutes would be ideal) and pray that you will shower 4-7 times a week.

By achieving these seemingly minimal standards your unbearable blend of gasoline, onions, and body odor will be drastically reduced, if not altogether eliminated.

Talk about scary. Apparently, my friend will be sending this letter to the press. I have no idea if they’ll do anything about it, but if you see anything that sounds like this, just remember you heard it hear first.